In this video, I’m going to be talking about perfectionism as a college student and provide you with some tips to deal with the anxiety it often causes.

PODCAST VERSION: 

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VIDEO SCRIPT: 

By the end of this video you’ll know exactly what to do to move through the paralyzing anxiety that arises when you’re trying to be the perfect student.

I think it’s important that we start off this conversation by defining perfectionism so that you can be clear if you fall into the perfectionism trap that I will be touching on throughout this conversation.

I think it’s important that we start off this conversation by defining perfectionism so that you can be clear if you fall into the perfectionism trap that I will be touching on throughout this conversation.

Psychologist Define Perfectionism: as a person striving for flawlessness and setting high-performance standards.

You might think, well what’s wrong with having high standards, shouldn’t I shoot for my absolute best?

It’s not having those high standards that is the issue for a perfectionist.

It’s what they make being perfect or not being perfect mean about them.  The perfectionistic tendencies to be accompanied by critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others’ evaluations.

This concern about what not being perfect means about them, about how other people see them and treat them is where the anxiety that perfectionist often feel comes from.

I think it’s also important that if we’re going to have this conversation about perfectionism and anxiety that we define anxiety. 

Anxiety is a normal emotion, we all get nervous about things.

However, that’s different from anxiety disorders.

Generalized anxiety which is clinically defined as feeling excessive and unrealistic worry and tension with little or no reason and it often affect your ability to carry on with life normally.

But what I want to focus in on are the phrases “unrealistic worry” ….. “with little or no reason”

I want to clarify that usually there is past event, that caused this person to develop this worry, right.

• Maybe they’ve failed a test in the past.
• Maybe someone laughed at them during a presentation
• Maybe their parents reacted very harshly around a “C”

It doesn’t mean that this person is crazy for worrying about it, it’s just that right now in the present moment when they are experiencing the anxiety there is no reason for them too.

They haven’t actually failed the test. They aren’t fumbling over their words. No one is laughing at them.

The only thing they’re worrying about is the potential that it could happen. They are creating it in their mind by thinking about it.

It’s really important that you understand that.

So the unrealistic worry that arises is often caused by just our thoughts.

And there are specific branches of psychotherapy meant to deal with GAD, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy teaches you to recognize and change the thought patterns that trigger the anxiety.

But where did we learn how to be perfectionists in the first place?  

From life, our school system, the media, and society that edits and curates and hides failures from us and only shows us overnight success stories.  So we develop a belief system the values perfect, flawless, effortless.

BTW: A belief is just a thought or idea that we have chosen to believe and adopt as true. And that thought or idea often gets reinforced by what we choose to focus on, which is partly a conscious and unconscious process.

So we develop a belief system the values perfect, flawless, effortless from just being alive in this world.

Where all we see our everyone’s highlight reels and we never see what they had to learn first, what it was like for them to not know, their failures along the way, and it perpetuates the belief that people are born with these abilities. They’re just naturals.

You’re either born smart or not, great at science and math or not,  a great public speaker or not.  And we grow up seeing that people who are smart, talented and successful get praised, attention = also known as loved.

And we begin to think that to be liked and loved = to be perfect.

And if you fail or show your flaws what will be people think of you? No one will love you. And since love is one of the 6 basic human needs we would do anything to get it.

We’d do anything to maintain that image of being the smart girl in class. Of being the prodigy.

Even if it doesn’t make logical sense. Things like:

• We’ll only sign up for classes and majors we know we can pass – so we can look smart
• We won’t hand in the paper or homework because of the fear we won’t get an A
• We won’t go to office hours because God forbid you reveal to the professor you didn’t get something or worse he realized you’re not smart
• We wait until the night before the exam to study because then we can blame waiting until the last minute when we fail

Which all sounds crazy right?

But to a perfectionist it’s not they’re consumed with how people see them, proving they deserve whatever label they want people to associate to them, they take actions that keep up that facade.

Sometimes these actions a pure self-sabotage and it’s unconscious and this is the perfectionist paradox.

You want to be great and you want to be great effortlessly and fast but also fear not being great which hinders your potential to be great because you quit the moment your greatness takes effort and time.

Carol Dweck in her book Mindset did some amazing work on this perfectionist identity. Categorizing perfectionist into two different mindsets or belief systems.

Fixed Mindset Perfectionists: Belief that a person’s qualities, talents, and intelligence are fixed

They are driven by classes, assignments, situations, majors and life experiences that make them feel extremely accomplished all the time. S/he wants to make zero mistakes and do “it” perfectly. This can result in the person making choices that are “safe” where s/he can remain perfect and avoid failure.

Growth Mindset Perfectionist: Belief that talents, personal qualities and intelligence can be developed through effort, mentoring, and practice

They are driven by growth, potential and the pure magical vision of possibility, curiosity and wonder.  They still want to be great but they are not so concerned with what that path to great looks like, as long as they get there eventually.

They realize the power in the not yet. The possibility in it.

I don’t know how that makes you feel but to me that makes me feel amazing, it makes me feel like anything is possible it makes me feel expansive and abundant, it makes me feel supported and like I can trust myself to make it happen.

While the fixed mindset makes me feel scarce, it makes me feel like there is this urgency to do more, faster and like it will never be enough.

I’d love to know in the comments how you felt when I talked about the growth-minded perfectionist vs the fixed minded perfectionist.

Ok so we’ve defined perfectionism and talked about why it causes so much anxiety.

But what do we do about?

Here is the process that has helped me and that most growth mindset coaches, psychotherapist and even Carol Dweck suggest

STEP ONE: AWARENESS

Well, you already did step 1 by listening to this video.  You brought it to your conscious awareness. And awareness is always step one in the process of change.

But what if you’re not sure the type of perfectionist you are. What if you don’t know if you primarily operate from a growth mindset or a fixed mindset.

Because we always have both, at some point we can be more growth minded and others more fixed minded.

I created a quiz for you. The link is in the comments.

But we can take it a step further by being aware of what triggers us to fall into a growth mindset.

STEP TWO: Identifying the thought patterns that trigger your anxiety/perfectionism and how it harms you.

LIST OUT THE QUESTIONS:

1. What’s your ideal of a successful student? How do you match up to the ideal you just wrote.
2. Where did this ideal come from?
3. Whose judgement or criticism do you fear?
4. What will happen if they find out you failed, made a mistake, aren’t perfect?
5. Create an exhaustive list of all the situations that triggers your fixed mindset?
6. What thoughts does your fix mindset produce?

I created a workbook for you to go through the process of identifying these thought patterns and make progress towards changing them.

I am going to be walking the college women through this exercise inside of my FB Group. So if you want to be coached through it, join it. Link is in the description.

This month’s focus is all about overcoming perfectionism and developing a growth mindset and on we’re going to be starting a 5 day challenge to really make sure we embody it.

Again, the link to join the group is in the description.

STEP THREE: GIVE YOUR PERFECTIONISTIC SIDE A PERSONA:

This helps you realize that those thoughts aren’t the real you.  They are separate from you and you can look at the thoughts that are coming up that are causing you the anxiety objectively.

I named mine Paris Gellar [from gilmore girls] . This is how I picture her. Who had a mental breakdown when she didn’t get into Harvard.

STEP FOUR: FEEL THE FULL SPECTRUM OF THE DISCOMFORT. CALL HER OUT AND THEN TELL HER THE TRUTH:

Part of the problem with working on our mindset is that we often avoid doing the work because it’s uncomfortable. It makes us feel what Joe Dispenza calls “Survival Emotions”.

Emotions Like:

• Fear,
• Disappointment
• Anxiety
• anger,
• disgust,
• shame
• Sadness
• Depression

BTW in the English language we use a lot of different words to describe emotions that energetically feel the same in our body.

But the only way to overcome anxiety is to move through it. Which means we have to feel them and allow them to move through them so we can process them and move through them.

And this isn’t something that you work on once and then never have to work on it again.

As we experience new things we will always have moments where we doubt ourselves.

This isn’t about being perfect at not being overcoming perfectionism it’s about making progress towards being in a growth mindset more often than we are in a fixed mindset.

It’s about understanding that it’s normal to fail, to have to put in effort to not great right away.

So whenever you’re about to do something that always triggers your fixed mindset allow yourself to go through the process.

It’s ok to think those initial thoughts and feel the discomfort of it.

But, once you become aware that that’s what’s happening take a deep breath, call out your persona and tell her the truth.

Yes, we might not be good at this, yet. But we’re working on it girl.

Yes this content is freaking hard as hell right now but I’ll get it.  That’s why we’re in college to learn other wise I wouldn’t be spending $45,000/ year to be here right now if I already knew it.

Yes, we did get a 65 on that test but I can find out why and fix it for the next test.

Yes, we might not be where this program needs us to be, but it doesn’t mean we can’t still achieve what we want. We’re figuring it out. What else can we do?

It’s about asking yourself questions that open up the possibility

It’s about looking at yourself from a loving perspective giving yourself grace. It’s about allowing yourself to become because just like feeling connected and loved is a one of the 6 human needs, so is growth.

STEP FIVE: MAKE IT A DAILY PRACTICE

Because practice makes progress.  

You thought I was going to say perfect right?  Nope, the more you practice the better you’ll get and the closer you are to becoming great.

DOWNLOAD THE  OVERCOME PERFECTIONISM WORKBOOK